At the DC Entertainment staff meeting

Diane Nelson’s monthly DC Entertainment May 2012 monthly staff meeting

Big oval conference room at 1700 Broadway, New York. 10AM Monday morning. Several men and women standing and sitting around the table. Lots of conversations.

At 10:08, Diane’s admin, Chris, pops in, speaking to everyone in the room: “Diane’s 8 o’clock is running over. She should be here in about 5-10 minutes.”

The buzz of conversations continues.

Jim: “Avengers was kick-ass.”

Bob: “I can’t believe how they balanced the time for each superhero. I mean, I thought it would be, like Iron Man 3, but they did a great job showcasing everyone.”

Greg (high fives with Bob): “Awesome Avengers.”

Pat: “Oh…my…god… I could have snuggled with each of them. Mark Ruffalo, what a hunk. Chis Hemsworth. I can’t tell you what he does for me. Sinful.”

Greg: “Hey Pat, I’m seeing a little grey in your mustache.”

Pat: “Dang.”

Wally: “I can’t believe there’s gonna be another superhero movie this summer.”

Sally: “You mean the new Batman?”

Wally: “Oh yeah, forgot about that. No, Sal. ‘Amazing Spider-Man’.”

Sally: “The reboot. That’s right. How could I forget? I love Emma Stone!”

Wally: “Gwen Stacy!”

Pete: “Don’t forget The Lizard’s gonna be in it.”

Mark: “Hey and next year, Captain America 2 plus Iron Man 3.”

Eunice: “Thor 2, too!”

Benny: “Thor Twenty-two?”

Several eyes roll and Benny just smiles at his silly comment as Diane Nelson strolls in. Everyone sits down and the conference room door is closed.

Diane: “Good morning. Sorry I’m late. Just finished a wild meeting with Jeff and his team.”

Bruce: “Excuse me, Diane. Is that Jeff Robinov, President of Warner Brothers Pictures?”

Diane looks at her admin, then at Bruce: “I’m sorry. I don’t think we’ve met. You are—“

Bruce: “Bruce Kanin. Hey Diane.”

Diane (quizzically): “And which group are you with? Who’s your manager?”

Bruce: “Oh, I’m in Business Management and work for Russ. You know, in ST.”

Diane: “What?”

Bruce (chuckling): “Sorry, how would you know that? Anyway, please continue your meeting.”

Diane: “Now hold on. I don’t know who the hell you are.” She looks around the room. “Does anyone know who this guy is?”

Everyone looks at Bruce, nodding ‘no’. Bruce just smiles and waves at everyone with “Hey”, “Yo”, “Howzit goin”, “Nice tie”, “Morning”, a couple of winks, etc.

Diane (sternly): “Well, now that we’ve established that you should not be here, I’m going to ask my admin to call Security and have you removed.”

Bruce: “Well, you can’t, really.”

Diane (defiantly): “And just why not?”

Bruce: “Well, because I’m writing this, and it can go any way I want, really.”

Diane turns red.

Bruce: “Listen. I’ve attended billions and billions of these kinds of meetings. I promise - you won’t even know I’m here.”

Diane’s admin whispers to her boss: “You have your one-on-one with Jeff at 11. We’d better get moving here.”

Diane (composing herself): “OK. Well. Anyway, met with Jeff and his team to talk about the three-year plan. As everyone knows, we have two certain blockbusters on the slate in each of the next two years.” (She smiles) “I don’t think I have to mention the movies’ names. We all know them…” (chuckles as if she thinks she just made up a cute expression) “…as the globe’s finest heroes.”

Slight laughter from the room. Wally whispers to Benny: “Christ. Doesn’t she know it’s ‘World’s Finest’?”

Diane (looking in Wally’s direction): “OK, let’s keep it down there. So, between ‘Dark Knight Rises’ and ‘Man of Steel’, DC is going to blow away the competition. I mean, we all know about the last Batman movie. Did someone say ‘One Billion Dollars Plus worldwide’? Right?”

While Diane smiles like a combination of The Joker and Bizarro, people around the room nod like yes-men. Except Bruce, who just shakes his head but remains silent.

Diane: “And ‘Man of Steel’.  This will be a hands-down winner. Another ‘Dark Knight Rises’ that of course will be another ‘Dark Knight’.” She holds up a hand, like she is revealing a previously unknown fact. “Now, we all know that DC has competition and we all know that one of the competitors is…sorry, I have to say a bad word … Marvel.”

Boos are heard around the table, with some people holding their noses, some pretending to gag, and others showing a “thumbs down”. Wally does a “two thumbs down”.

Diane (gratified): “Your sentiments are well-placed. Thank you. And actually, in that light, we are, effective immediately, implementing the BTC Program.”

Steve: “Diane. BTC?”

Diane: “Thanks, Steve. I was about to explain. BTC stands for ‘Boycott the Competition’. Put simply, it means that none of us, nor our families, are to see - nor talk about - any of our competitors’ movies.”

Five people spit out their coffee.

Wally: “Well, I—“

Diane: “Hang on there, Wallace. In addition, at every opportunity, we should be urging friends and extended family – even strangers on the street – to see the new DC movies and not those of our competitors.”

There’s a collective gasp around the table.

Diane: “So tell me, no one has actually seen any of the Marvel movies? I mean, you’re all saving yourselves for ‘Dark Knight Rides Again and ‘Superman of Steel’, right?”

People look at each other and then all call out, “Yes Diane”, “Sure Diane”, “Of course Diane”, “Right Diane”, etc. Benny says, “What Marvel movies.”

Bruce: “OK. OK. I know I promised to be part of the scenery, but I just can’t anymore.”

Diane: “That’s right. You said you’d be quiet, Bruce, or whatever your name is.”

Bruce: “Well, my exact words, which I’ve just copied and pasted, were ‘You won’t even know I’m here.’ But I can no longer hold back after listening to all this bullshit.”

Diane (very annoyed): “We don’t use words like that here. And this is my meeting.”

Bruce: “Yes, but need I remind you who’s writing this? Remember?”

Diane turns beet red again.

Bruce: “Diane, first of all, I can say for sure that virtually everyone in this room has seen ‘The Avengers’. Probably more than once. And they’ve all loved it to death.”

There’s a gasp from around the table accompanied by lots of denial. Benny is overheard saying, “You mean, the TV show with Patrick Macnee and Diana Rigg”, while Jack responds with, “No, I think the movie with Uma Thurman”. Clara says to Jack, “You mean, ‘Batman and Robin’?”

Bruce (looking around the table): “Please folks, don’t play dumb, or dumber than you really are. Remember, I can copy and paste what each of you said.”

Everyone in the room shuts up.

Bruce (looking back at Diane): “Diane, ’The Avengers’ was a mega-blockbuster weeks before it hit the screen. And then at Tribeca, the lines were longer than they are in Vatican City.”

Diane: “So what? Lots of films open well.”

Bruce: “Believe me, this one will still be going strong in July when ‘Dark Knight Rises’ opens.”

Diane: “So says you.”

Bruce: “No, so says Marvel’s record. They know what the hell they’re doing. You, Diane, are clueless, as is your operation. You couldn’t even write Making Superhero Movies for Dummies.”

Another collective gasp from around the table.

Bruce: “Heath Ledger lives, and ‘Dark Knight’ is still a great movie, but doesn’t gross a Billion Dollars.”

Diane: “You don’t know—“

Bruce: “’Dark Knight Rises’. We’ll see. ‘Man of Steel’. We’ll see. And that’s coming from me, a huge Superman fan. I’ve followed Superman since well before you were a zygote. I want ‘Man of Steel’ to be the greatest Superman movie ever. And I want sequels to follow early and often. And one day a Justice League movie.”

Diane: “Well, Chris Nolan really doesn’t want—“

Bruce (holds up a hand): “Diane, with all due respect to Mr. Nolan and his successes, he’s screwed up when it comes to DC superheroes. Introducing them in their own movies and then bringing them together for a blockbuster team-up movie. Does that sound familiar?”

Diane: “Actually, no—“

Bruce stands abruptly, talking to Diane and the room: “No, of course not, because you and your cockamamie, myopic, ‘think deep inside the box’, screwed-up company haven’t done it. But Marvel has. Besides their past successes with Spider-Man and X-Men – both franchises in their own rights – and both continuing franchises, what with a Spider-Man reboot and additional X-Men-based movies – besides that we’ve had Marvel’s other heroes – Thor, Iron Man, Hulk and Captain America – all with their own hit movies – ok, Hulk was a bit uneven in that regard – but all leading up to perhaps the greatest superhero movie of all time, to date – ‘The Avengers’.”

Diane: “Well…”

Bruce holds up a hand to shush Diane: “All of these superhero movie franchises have plans going forward. Multiple Marvel movies – gosh, I love alliteration – all of’em for each of the next bunch of years, including another Avengers movie.”

Diane: “I don’t see…”

Bruce: “I know you don’t, Diane, but let me just say: DC has nothing, nada, bupkus, goose eggs, the vacuum of space - in comparison. You could have learned from Marvel, but instead you’ve chosen to take your own road into the abyss of failure and unprofitability. DC Entertainment is an utter fiasco and – an embarrassment.”

Diane (mad): “That’s not at all true! We also had, uh, ‘Superman Returns’ and ‘Green Lantern’. And ‘Jonah Hex’. And even ‘The Losers’.”

Wally stifles a laugh and Diane looks at him with heat vision eyes.

Bruce: “Funny, Diane, how you ended that list with ‘losers’. I’m surprised you didn’t mention ‘Catwoman’ and ‘Steel’.” He looks around the room, says “I think the defense rests”, and sits back in his chair.

Diane stands up, and erupts: “You think you’re so smart!? We have three blockbusters coming out. In three successive years! That’s what our three-year plan is about, and what I was coming here to tell you!” (She looks at everyone else)

Diane punches some buttons in front of her, and the view screen behind her shows a Powerpoint display entitled “DC Entertainment 3-Year Plan”. She hits another button that moves the screen to the next slide. It presents a movie promo.

Diane (smiling): “2012. ‘Dark Knight Rises’!”

Diane hits the button for a new slide and another movie promo.

Diane: “2013. ‘Man of Steel’!”

Diane pauses, beaming: “And now, presenting our next mega-blockbuster…”

Diane hits the button once more. A cobbled-together movie promo appears.

Diane (triumphant): “Presenting, in 2014. Lobo!”

Blank stares around the room. Mouths agape. Except for Steve’s coffee cup that has made a “thunk” against the carpeted conference room floor, Bob’s cell phone ringing with the Spider-Man cartoon theme, and a suspicious noise coming from the back of Wally’s chair, the room is eerily silent.

Bruce stands up, rubbing his hands together: “Well, hey, Clearview Cinemas Zigfield has an 11:30 showing of ‘Avengers’. Pretzel nuggets and popcorn’s on me. Any takers?”

There’s a pause, and then a bunch of people file out with Bruce as Diane faints and is given mouth-to-mouth by her admin.

THE END