The 2nd 2012 Republican Debate from BK’s basement

The 2^nd 2012 Republican Debate from BK’s basement

(This takes place before Rick Santorum dropped out)

Bruce: Mr. Romney, you have the first question. It’s from our panel.

Romney: (nervous chuckle) You’re very funny, Bruce. You’re the only one on the panel.

Bruce: Milt, just recently—

Romney: Excuse me?

Bruce: I was just starting to ask you the first question.

Romney: I thought I heard you call me ‘Milt’.

Bruce: Yes?

Romney: (nervous smile) First of all, out of courtesy, you really should address me as Governor—

Rick Santorum (looking at Romney): Mitt, don’t bother. I’ve been through this with him.

Romney (turning to look at Santorum but then back at Bruce): Maybe so, but I won’t tolerate it. It’s disrespectful for one.

Bruce: Oh?

Romney: And furthermore – furthermore, my name’s ‘Mitt’.

Newt: Fundamentally, that’s wrong, Governor. Your first name is ‘Willard’.

Bruce: Thanks, Newt.

Romney: Yes, but that’s not—

Bruce: Tell you what, Milt. I’ll call you by your Christian first name – Willard. Now, let’s move on.

Romney (red in the face): …

Bruce: Willard, the Obama Administration negotiated a deal with North Korea such that they will allow their nuclear complex to be monitored in exchange for foreign aid, food, specifically, from the United States.

Romney: You know what? I’m quitting this debate. If you can’t be respectful, I’m not going to stay.

Romney struggles to move from his podium.

Romney: Hey, how come I can’t move? What’s going on?

Ron Paul (chuckling and looking at Bruce): Worked like you thought it would, Bruce.

Bruce: Thank you, Doctor Paul.

Ron Paul (looking at Romney): He slipped you a paralysis drug, Mitt. It’s in your bottle of water right there (points at podium). Figured you’d want to bail. Now, as a Libertarian, I think he violated your Constitutional rights. But I have to say, it’s pretty funny.

Romney: This is outrageous!

Ron Paul (smiling): Yeah.

Romney: Well, I just won’t answer any questions!

Bruce (nodding a finger): Now, Willard…

Ron Paul (again looking at Romney): There was quite a bit of truth serum in that concoction, too. Should be quite an experience to hear you be honest for a change, Mittocchio.

Bruce: Now, Willard, about North Korea. You commented on the Administration’s actions, saying, quote “We should not be providing aid to dictatorships and enemies. This is yet another example of Barack Obama pandering to foes and squandering our precious natural resources.”

Romney (calming down): That’s correct.

Bruce: Willie, you do realize that the last significant effort to negotiate the dismantling of North Korea’s nuclear weapons collapsed in the waning weeks of George W. Bush’s presidency more than three years ago?

Romney: Yes, so?

Bruce: So you realize then that Obama succeeded, or is succeeding, or at least making progress, towards having North Korea’s nuclear capability under control? Something his Republican predecessor failed at?

Romney: I will stand by what I said. He’s pandering and squandering. It’s been the hallmark of his Presidency. As President, I would—

Bruce: Yes, Will, what would you do as President? What would you do differently with Korea?

Romney: I’d tell Kim Jong-un, in no uncertain terms, that we would impose sanctions unless North Korea’s nuclear arsenal was dismantled.

Bruce: And if he refused, would all retaliatory options be on the table, including military action?

Romney: Well, any responsible President would leave all options open to him.

Bruce: Yes, but we’re talking about you, Milt.

Romney (seething, but unable to move and compelled to respond): Yes, even military action.

Bruce: So let me understand, Milt, you’d risk a nuclear war with North Korea, and maybe even China, for all we know, when a peaceful and orderly path towards possible North Korea disarmament – the one being taken by President Obama – is clearly available? Does that make sense?

Romney: Well, I—

Bruce: Governor—

Romney: Well, finally—

Bruce: If President Obama singlehandedly defended the Earth from an alien attack – no loss of life or damage to our planet – at no cost, either – I’d wager that you and most of your spineless, soulless and selfish Republican colleagues, some of whom share the stage, many of whom are in Congress, and others who are employed by FOX News – I’d say that they’d find all sorts of faults with his actions.

Romney just stares and then says: You know, Bruce, if you’re so smart, why don’t you get up here on stage. Just you and me. Mano a mano, as they say in, uh, Switzerland.

Bruce: Milton, no thanks. I’ll concede right here and now the fact that all America knows, that I’m no match for you as a mass debater.

Romney thinks about what Bruce has said and quizzically cocks his head.

Bruce: Anyway, clearly – and to borrow the only word in your elitist vocabulary, Newt – and fundamentally, Milt – you are in this for yourself and you will say anything to anyone in an effort to become President. And I’ll bet if I gave you a stronger dose of truth serum, you’d actually start to say nice things about President Obama, because deep down in that mass of scarily religious protoplasm you harbor positive thoughts about his actions – starting with health care.

Bruce: In fact, I did give you a stronger, time-delayed dose of truth serum.

Ron Paul (grinning): He did, Mitt. I saw it. And I’m a doctor.

Romney: You know, Bruce. I couldn’t agree with you more.

Bruce: Amen.